Emotional Blackmail

I read an article in the Deccan Chronicle on emotional blackmail. The article writer advises people not to lose their identity in the face of emotional blackmail. He wants them to re-assess the relationship and remain firm. I disagree.

There was this bit about student A being emotionally blackmailed by student B. Student B said that unless student A called her regularly, atleast once a day, she could not eat. A ignored B, but soon noticed that B had started to lose weight. This is a straightforward form of emotional blackmail. In such cases, I feel it is better for a person in A’s position to accede to the demands. Afterall, she will be helping a person out. If the demands can be met with ease, and if meeting them brings joy to your friend, then why not? However, as a friend you also have to help the other person get over this obsession. You can’t give in endlessly, only until you make the other person understand and help him/her get over you. It may take time, but what are friends for? Maintain the bond even during such hard times and you will find that the bond of friendship only becomes stronger. If you really care for the other person, you will do it for sure. Don’t get irritated. You may view the other person as an inferior, but realize that your decision affects another human being, one who is capable of feeling emotions.

Sure, there are times when you need to put your foot down and say no. That’s when the demands placed on you are unreasonable, highly tasking, compromises your situation in front of your peers or is plainly not to your liking. Also, if this emotional blackmail continues for a long period without any improvement and with no end in sight, then its time to sever the relationship and look out for numero uno- yourself. If not, you may end up jeopardizing your life.

Giving in to emotional blackmail shows how much you care for that person and how far you are willing to go for that person. A mother fussing over her baby is due to emotional blackmail. The baby likes to be fussed over, and makes the mother fuss over it by crying or throwing tantrums. And the mother obliges the baby out of love. When a mother can give in gracefully for the enjoyment of her child, there is no reason why we, as individuals, can’t give in for the sake of someone who has always been a good friend. Everyone goes through emotional trauma and it’s up to their friends to help them out. That’s what friends are for, to share and share alike in everything.

One more thing, make sure that you are not being intimidated by the blackmailer. Whatever you do, it should be out of your own genuine interest in that person. Teenagers go through an identity crisis, which is why they resort to emotional blackmail. When they are unsure of themselves, they tend to cling on to their friends, in order to discover themselves. This is how emotional blackmail begins. They tend to be obsessed over some people, as they see some qualities in that person which they like and want. However, as they fear that they will lose that person, they become clingy and overly possessive. This can be observed in many relationships, especially with couples who are perfectly happy with each other. I have seen guys transcend from being Mr. Cheerful to down-in-the-dumps in the passage of just one day- reason being that they had no contact with their girlfriend. This dependency can lead to emotional blackmail.

Many emotional blackmailers do not realize that what they are doing is wrong. Emotional blackmail is like pulling your friend down with you on a sinking ship. You can’t bear to live without him/her so you decide to take him/her down with you. That is just plain selfishness. This realization comes first. Acceptance comes next. Your friend can live without you- accept it, live with it.

You are obsessed with something you cannot get. It is in your best interest to break that obsession. All it takes is a little will power and some encouragement. The best way to break out of an obsession is by falling for a new one, a new obsession which will completely divert your mind from the old one, similar to breaking an addiction. Try to get addicted to something harmless, say a new game or a few TV programs.

You could also try to get obsessed over something productive, say sports, academics, books etc. Slowly start incorporating this new obsession in your life and you will find the old one starting to fade off. At one point, you will be completely over it. This is somewhat similar to getting over a break-up. Help from the person you are obsessed over and encouragement from friends quickens the process.

Test yourself to see if you are obsessed with something. You may feel that the obsession is beneficial, but you still need to recognize and accept your obsession. If you are unsure whether you are obsessed or not, try staying away from the subject in question for a sufficient period of time and evaluate the results. And above all, do some introspection. It is necessary in order to realize your latent talents and discover deep-rooted or well-hidden emotions.

I wrote this article when I was a few years younger. I admire the clarity of thought I had then. Now, I hardly ever write a few words. This should motivate me to set new expectations for myself.