Happy Birthday To Me

I turn 20 today. As I look back over the years, how I’ve changed, how I’ve grown, I’m filled with mixed feelings. I’ve come quite far in this journey called life, but what have I got to show for it? I’ve amassed a wealth of knowledge- all of which are of no practical use. I’ve questioned why certain people do certain things and come off worse than the people whom I questioned. I’ve tried to understand this world using logic, using emotions, using philosophy and religion- and I’m back right where I started.

Sure, I’ve touched the lives of a few people whom I call friends, most of whom read this blog (which is why I blog!). Apart from that, I haven’t much else to show for my 20 years of existence. If I were to die today and God asks me to justify my time spent on earth, what would I answer? That I just lived like a parasite, squandering the resources of the planet without contributing anything, and worse, leaving behind my carbon footprint? That I’ve failed over and over and over again, but unlike Michael Jordan, haven’t succeeded? But there, I’m just making it harder on myself.

I’ve had a few private successes, but nothing I can gloat over or get recognized by society. Like, I’ve battled with and against various pixelated images on my computer screen. I’ve won quite a few virtual rewards. I’ve succeeded in making quite a few good friends, but people now judge friendship by the amount of people you have on a social networking site- friendship is a numbers game today.

On the down side, I’ve screwed up more often than I can recollect. The time when a birthday gift to a girl exploded on my face, the time when my terrible penalty kick cost our team the game, the time when I fought with a friend over a game of DotA, the time when I grossly misjudged another friend, all those ego clashes, the list goes on.

Terrible as that may seem, when I weigh it against all the wrongs done to me, it balances things out. A triple backstab worthy of a manta style divine rapier Rikimaru- betrayed by 3 mutual friends who conspired against me on the same day. People who say they will get back to me later and never do. Someone who calls me a friend but thinks hard before spending a few odd rupees on a call. Someone who treats me as a Rent-A-Friend; there for you when you want him, on hold and waiting at other times. Someone with an inflated sense of ego who won’t compromise or say sorry for anything. This list is vast too.

This is a classic example of the working of Karma- whatever you do comes right back to you. So I deserve all that. This is also why I sometimes lack in sympathy when someone tells me their sufferings. I view it as bad Karma- either that or God is testing them. According to me, unless you live in misery and sorrow, you cannot understand happiness. Pleasure and pain are two sides of the coin.

Life’s going to get a whole lot tougher and challenging henceforth. I’ll soon be leaving the nest in search of my own, living within my own thoughts most of the time. I’m entering the final year of engineering, the last year of my life as a full time student. But this is good. Facing the unknown challenge is what keeps my adrenalin going.

There is also going to be a phase shift in my attitude. I’m no longer going to be Mr. Nice Guy. (Thanks to my two best friends for making me realize all that I’m doing wrong). No more returning deliberate missed calls. No more friendships with undeserving people. The flowerbed may look thicker with weeds, but it’s just the few flowers which really matter the most. I’m weeding my garden, throwing away all my emotional clutter. I will now sail free over the ocean of life, flowing with the current, appreciating whatever tidings it may bring.