A Letter to God

Dear God,

I thank you for taking good care of me. I thank you for the chances you gave me to experience your will. I call myself an agnostic. However, I do acknowledge that there are certain things beyond the control of any living being; I’ve experienced those forces, the ones which you alone can invoke and control.

I’m a self-dependent man. I have confidence in myself. Sometimes, I feel like I can fly solo without your guiding hand. I feel like I can handle all of my problems alone and unaided. At these times, you let me try. I meet with varying degrees of success and failures. Soon, I begin to grow more confident and think I can manage alone, come what may.

At these times, you arrange for fate to test my will. The first test is too hard for me. You have to guide me through. You keep testing me. You don’t give up on me. I feel proud that I have passed one of your tests. It takes a lot out of me, but I feel contended to have done it. What I don’t understand is, why do I have to keep repeating them over and over again? It is so painful to endure. Have I not worked hard enough to deserve a rest?

And why am I so unlucky when it comes to having a social life. Why don’t I have a girlfriend? It’s so common to see youngsters my age who are committed. And I’ve lost so many friends, friends whom I valued. I know, I have a huge ego. I do swallow it to make amends when I am wrong. Why don’t they do the same? Am I so unimportant in their life that they just discard me like an old shoe? These questions haunt me at nights. I can’t face them. I run away. Why did you let this all happen? Why, God?

There are times when I feel proud to have come so far, to have handled so much, times when I have looked at my past with pride, and admired myself for the way I handled things. At these times, I also feel a little cowardice; I don’t want to go through those experiences again, I don’t want to battle anymore. I just want to be contended and happy. At the same time, I feel guilt. Guilt that I have grown far too soft now, guilt that I can no longer handle the things that I once handled. I want newer, easier challenges. I’m so confused.

I’m now safely ensconced in my parent’s home. But, my time here is running out. In less than 2 years from now, I have to fend for myself. I’ll have to face the world alone. I’ll need to find a job. I don’t even have any skills to market. What will I do? The current recession will make it all the more hard for me.

The more I think, the more I acknowledge the help that I’ve got in this difficult journey called life. The big breaks, the golden opportunities, all those compliments that I’ve received, all those lives that I’ve touched; I feel good about myself for all that. Contrast those to my feeling of insufficiency, all the times I’ve rejoiced or cried alone, been avoided or ignored by the ones whom I thought of as friends, the stinging bites of my closest allies, the times of strife, the nagging feeling that I was taken advantage of, the subtle undercurrents telling me that I’m not wanted, harsh words telling me that if I were to die the next day, no one would miss me.

Is this what I want? Why should I let my faith in humanity endure? Give me the life of a recluse, I say. Since I don’t get that, I keep fighting. It just isn’t in me to back down or give up, even in an impossible challenge. Will I suddenly be totally overcome and lose big, not able to fight anymore, battle scarred for life. Or will I emerge a victor. I don’t know. Meanwhile, I just keep fighting, hoping and praying for a better tomorrow. When will this tomorrow come?

“No man is an island”- I tried to prove that wrong. I was succeeding, and then came all those great minds to infuse in me the importance of love, trust and teamwork. Without these, they said I couldn’t get ahead in work or in personal life. They were right, so I sought all three. And that’s left me an embittered man. Why do I alone have to face so many challenges? Why can’t fate do a re-distribution? The path mapped out for me is not an easy one.

My passion- writing- is a lonely occupation. It pays no dividends now. The better I become at it, the more time I spend at it, which leaves me feeling alone, hollow and empty, with no one to care for me. Why is my passion not linked to teamwork, that mantra which you hear is the key to success in today’s world.

I have an inferiority complex and a superiority complex combined. The former gnaws me from the inside; the latter is a mere façade which I present to the world. I see so many people who are more realistic and comfortable, and I feel a twinge of envy. I set great store to a set of ideals, which is actually causing me to crumble.

I am not just writing this to tell you I have something to gripe about. I accept whatever fate chances to throw my way. All I want are answers. Why? Why me? You have answered me before when I had similar questions to ask. Merely asking you these questions have made me feel a whole lot better. I no longer need to ponder over these issues. You will provide me the reason. All I have to do is act on them, which is definitely do-able. I know I can depend on you to do the right thing for me. I thank you again for all that you have done for me, for taking the time to listen to me. Thank you, God.

Yours,
Kashyap