An extract from my diary

I feel so peaceful after reading a travelogue about the Himalayas. I'm surrounded by the sound of silence with no sense of urgency, which reinforces this tranquility. These moments of bliss have to be enjoyed with the people you love. I'm enjoying it alone.

I went for a walk in the park in the morning. That was peaceful too. I was the only person there. Nothing to block my view of nature. You see nature in all its pristine glory if you take a walk just after it rains. A rainbow would have completed the spectacle but I didn't even notice its absence when I was drinking in the sights.

I hear birds chirping outside the window now. I have the three windows on the left side of my room open, the door closed, and I'm sitting alone and writing this, undisturbed. Outside, I hear a child talking.

A more creative person or a naturalist will probably appreciate this peace more than I do. I can truly appreciate this to the best of my ability now. I can understand why artists are a breed apart. They get this in a way no one else does. I'm neither happy nor sad, just floating in a spiritual trance. It is a sort of euphoria which you can rarely enjoy, and it is also very fleeting. I love nature.

I write like I am possessed with a writing spirit. Didn't feel like taking the pen off the paper. The words come through in a rush. I don't feel like doing anything now. I'm in a sort of reverie. I don't even feel the need to do anything. I can go on writing.

I have no sense of time nor emotion. It feels like I'm floating in a timeless zone in the middle of nothingness. It is a place devoid of anything, but with no void to fill, no emptiness. It just exists, as do I and the world around me. I didn't have to go into meditation to achieve this. All I had to do was write, and drink in the beauty of nature, staring out of my window.

Right brain users are blessed indeed. They don't need to adhere to any norms. They are able to appreciate life and nature more (and music too) which is a rare gift. A gift which is very hard to cultivate, as I've found out. If it involves doing something, I can surely get it. As it is about art, beauty and nature, it is a little harder to get at. You can only get it if you don't try hard to get it. You have to let go and suspend yourself in a trance. I feel I have had the first glimpse of this boundless joy. These memories shall stay.

I slept really well last night. A deep sleep which lasted for nearly 11 hours. Sleep is pleasant when you don't have to get up early the next day and work. You can really relax and rid your mind of all commitments and stresses generated during the day.

You have to enjoy these days when everything is in your favour. The weather is extremely pleasant, you have all the time in the world, you're in blissful solitude surrounded by silence. These times are sent to us to teach us a lesson- to not take life seriously but to enjoy each passing day. They also make you spiritual. Such moments clear your mind. You're fresher than a blank slate.

There is no future, no past. I'm living in the moment, opening myself to this experience, for who knows, soon it may be no more.

The Real Me

I'm not the kind of guy to wash my dirty linen in public. I didn't want to blog about personal things when I first started blogging. I've been true to that till now, barring a few exceptions. Somehow, recently, there is this inner urge to just let go and express everything in my heart here, in plain sight for all my friends and well-wishers. As I sit in front of the PC and mull things over, this urge is getting stronger. So here I am typing, at 10:55 PM, a night before a day before my University exams (7th sem) start. What follows is going to be totally random, without any unifying theme.

I'm thinking about a blog post by Scott Adams in which he highlights the best defects to have. He says: " I assume other people want me to go away as soon as I show up. It’s probably not always true, but I like to play it safe. A little bit of me goes a long way. That’s why I try to leave before I use up my welcome. It’s a tight window."
Carl: “Hi, Scott."
Me: “Gotta go.”

I'm reminded of this because I feel that way now. I feel I've used up the entire welcome mat, dirtied it, trashed it and torn it into quark sized leptons. It's like, I'm the nerdy guy in the comic strip who desperately tries to win a date with a female who eggs him on to make an utter fool of himself.

I'm also thinking about something I read in a friend's blog: "Before leaving to church one day I decided to ask my friends if they wanted me to pray for anything. All my friends immediately replied asking me to pray for something or the other for them (absolutely nothing wrong with that), all except for one friend. He asked me to pray for everyone’s health and happiness, not just for himself. It really touched my heart that he thought of others and wanted to pray for them. It made me realize that goodness and love can even be spread through our thoughts and prayers."

In Sanskrit, we have a prayer for it. Loka samastha sukino bhavanthu. (All the world's people should be healthy). I'm not quite sure of my translation, but it's something along those lines.

For the past two weeks or so, I've been contemplating love. As i delved into this, I realized a lot of things. I realized that, firstly, I'm not the type of person who attracts love. Reticence isn't an asset for love. Secondly, love is more about responsibility and commitment than a wondrous feeling. I'll not get into the rest here.

I'm also thinking about this: "All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

I've been fascinated by the words 'No man is an island.' That fascination is still strong even though I've mulled over it so many times.

To close this totally random ramblings of a lonely soul, I quote one of my favourite sayings-
"People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish or ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God
It was never between you and them anyway."

If you've read till here, give yourself a reward. You deserve it.